Reason
by WeekendScribe
Summary: Shinji Ikari reflects on his reasons for living, fighting, and the loss of his mother.


**Author's Note:** I was inspired to write this because, very recently, my own mother passed away. It didn't come out properly, at least, when I read it, I feel that it is missing something, but I don't know what. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy it.**  
**

**Disclaimer:** I do **not** own anything. All rights to _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ are copyrighted to and by Gainax Ltd and it's affiliates.

* * *

Shinji Ikari lowered himself into the steaming, clear waters of his bath as he groaned and slowly allowed hi body to relax within its hold, shifting faintly as he repositioned his head on the top of the tub.

_What now?_

_What do I now?_

_I don't know... Someone, please, help me._

_Why is it me? Why do I have to go through this? Haven't I gone through enough..?_

Shinji had often had these thought since the very moment he had received a note from his father, and was transported to a facility known as NERV, and brutally thrust into a war against aesthetic beings whom humankind referred to as 'Angels', no, not the kind, protective angels that he had often heard of, but Angels hell-bent on destroying everything. And he was one of the only few who could fight them, in gigantic metallic robots known as the 'Evangelions'.

He hadn't even wanted to do it, he hadn't wanted to meet his father, he hadn't wanted anything to do with NERV, or anything else, but was forced too. As for the first time in his life he had met Rei Ayanami, a red-eyed, blue haired, emotionless girl whom was gravely injured, but still ordered to pilot the giant Evangelion, because of Shinji Ikari's own father, Gendo Ikari, telling her to do so when he, himself, Shinji, had rejected the offer, but accepted, thus becoming The Third Child at the well-being of Rei Ayanami.

_Mother? Where are you? Are you there? Watching over me, like you always said?_

Shinji tried very hard not to think of his mother, for she had vanished from his life when he was still very little, mysteriously and rapid, without a word. Gendo had left him soon after that, and he had not seen him up until the note, and NERV.

He had often thought that perhaps, if his mother hadn't disappeared, he would have had a chance at a normal life, perhaps Gendo might not have left, perhaps he would have remained blissfully ignorant of Angels and Biochemical robots.

_Still, it's too late, nothing I can do now…_ He thought sadly.

All his life people had shuttled him around, demanding that he do this, and that, and he never spoke out a word for himself. He did it. It was easier that way. Then people wouldn't take notice of him, who was he? He didn't deserve to be noticed anyway. He didn't even have a reason for why he kept fighting, why he ascended into the cockpit of his Evangelion every time Angels arrived at Tokyo-3.

He had nothing to live for, so why live at all? A pointless existence is exactly that, pointless.

Mother...

A single, hot tear fell from hi eyelashes and plopped gently onto the surface of his bath water, unnoticed to Shinji as the ripples from the disturbance spilled around him.

_Perhaps... _He thought suddenly.

_Perhaps, I don't have a reason to fight, or to live, or for anything, I don't live or fight for myself, nor for his father because he was ordered too, but maybe, just maybe, he could live, and fight, for his mother. _

Paying a debt he could never truly pay, in memory of her.

He would do it for her, because, even if she was gone, she was the only one he had left, the only one who cared, the only one who would hug him after he scraped and bloodied his knee on the sidewalk after a fall, or hold her gently to her breast and rock him back to sleep after his mind was assailed with nightmares, when he was still young.

Someone whom had spoken, kind, and lovingly to him, without ever saying a word.

No, he wouldn't live for himself, wouldn't fight for himself.

But he _could_ for _her_.

With a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, he reached out his left and grabbed the bar of soap from its shelf.


End file.
